Pyromaniac

Ok, so there is physics of fire, I am an expert now. Didn’t I tell you?

Building a fire: a guide for Dummies (ie me). You need some newspaper, some wood, some cardboard, more cardboard than newspaper, more wood and some coal. The idea is to have the system set up from the beginning. A tee pee some like to call it. I like to call it the triangle of love to heaven. On the bottom, you place the scrunched up newspaper, then on top some of the cardboard, then some more newspaper. First things first, you light the bottom layer of newspaper, which should ignite the cardboard, on top of the second layer of newspaper you now place some very thin, easy to burn wood, most people call this kindling, I like to call it Ignatius. From there, the fire should burn steadily, and not go out. If you are lucky it won’t go out. As Ignatius burns, you slowly, one by one add the wood, no more than 2 to make sure it stays alight and keeps burning. Now, a trick of the trade, time to add the coal, just one or 2 pieces, this lights easily and burns for a long time at very hot temperatures. You are now safe to add more wood, bigger pieces to the fire to let it burn for longer, remember to continue adding coal to ensure the fire stays alight long after the wood burns out. Before bedtime it is a good idea to put no more than 2-3 lumps of coal into your fire to ensure warmth for the night. Any more than this, and you will cook in your bed, literally cook, like a fried chicken.

Sadly however, the warmth from the red wine is making me warmer than the fire. What am I doing wrong? Considering its 10pm, and I have just got the fire system going, I think I am going to cook like a fried chicken tonight. I hope my room is warm when I get up, it is supposed to rain tomorrow. Miserable! And I won’t want to get out of bed in the morning.